Happy Mother’s Day, Mom.
I miss you so much. It’s been over 11 years since your passing and there is still a hole in my heart from your departure. It was a torturous one. Watching you go through so much pain, so little they could do for you towards the end. None of it was how I expected our lives to play out.
I kept envisioning you and I growing old together, in matching rocking chairs on the porch, having lengthy discussions about science, politics, and philosophy. I fully expected you to live to at least eighty years old like your parents.
We both felt cheated and were unprepared when they diagnosed you with cancer with the grim outlook and short timeframe. This is when I stopped believing everything happens for a reason. After watching you twist and writhe in pain, especially the last few weeks, me continuing to beg the doctors to keep increasing your pain medications at the hospice? I cannot believe in a universe where there is a reason for you to go through that, especially to that degree.
You were a Christian, and I’m agnostic. However, we both agreed that if there is a God, he wouldn’t intentionally cause this himself.
Your death prevented me from becoming an atheist. My deepest wish is that you joined your family in Heaven, you are free from pain, and you are happy. Regardless of what happens to me upon my passing. You deserve it more than anyone I know.
I’ll keep your secrets as you asked. If the world only knew to the extent how many lives you saved and those you turned around, I think those that misunderstood you would reconsider their judgement of you. I only learned of many of those lives at the near end when you were too sick to handle things yourself. I imagine there is so much more I’m unaware of you achieved in your lifetime and the impact you made. You put people’s privacy and their dignity above receiving any recognition for yourself. I knew you had helped many people over the course of your life, but events forced you to let me peak into yet another layer of your generosity. It humbled me. My respect of you only grew.
Thank you for everything you taught me. I march to the beat of my drum because of you. You encouraged my love of science, art, and, in general, my curiosity about the world. You were my role model. You coded in the early 1970s. Eventually I became a senior software engineer. Later, after you retired, you got your pilot’s license. While growing up, you took me on long hikes and camping. I never thought us being independent women and doing things on our own was unique because of you.
I’ll respect your privacy and not go into details of your life but will say it was a tragic one. You were the most brave woman I know. Despite being terrified constantly.
I appreciate you more and more as I get older. It continues to become obvious how unique of a woman you were. It’s astounding the level you cared about those you cherished. You showed me what love is.
Thank you for being an amazing mother. You took the job seriously and was constantly working on doing a better job. I always respected you while growing up. I still do.
I love you and carry you in my heart always. I must as you are part of me.
Happy Mother’s Day, Mom.
Love, Cindy
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